It's been a rough past year for me. I feel out of doing photography for the most part. I really struggled after the birth of my third child. I had health challenges that took me by surprise and caused me a great deal of pain. I would tell the story but I don't know that I want the world to hear it. I was in a deep dark place so I'm sure that many could have guessed part of the struggle. (if I even still have readers... I wouldn't mind just talking to a wall if that is the case)
This last few weeks I've been trying to decide what I want to do for myself that would help me feel a sense of accomplishment. I associate with a lot of highly educated women and quite frankly I do not feel at all educated and feel a sense of jealousy. I've felt inferior and less of a person. I know I shouldn't at all feel that way but sometimes they will use elegant words that are far out of my vocabulary and talk about subjects that I couldn't even begin to understand. Maybe it comes with age but I'm not feeling it. I've always struggled with my academic abilities. I was often found failing in my classes growing up and had learning difficulties. I look at gals who are successful in their jobs and guilty. Honestly I shouldn't. I'm sure there are a lot of women who would gladly trade places with me and be "just" a Mommy. Don't get me wrong I love being "just" a mommy but I hate the pressure to be more than that.
Some people can be a mom full time, work full time, go to school full time but I can't. I simply can't spread myself that thin. I do feel that I need some kind of outlet though. I don't want to jump the gun and plunge right back into school or go get some kind of job but I also what to do SOMETHING. Until I figure out what that something is I think I'll just get back to blogging. It's been a long time since I have been on here and a long time since I have posted anything personal. With having the business I feared posting too much personal information but now that I'm not really doing photography as a full time business I can't really hurt anything right? It can now be a place to be real. I'm hoping that with blogging I will be able to get back to where I was before the business became too stressful. I hit a wall and it no longer became enjoyable. It became a job rather than a passion. I really do feel that the more I take pictures just for fun the more I will grow to love it again.
I was going to give up taking pictures completely due to the stress and depression that was taking over my life but I feel like that passion is starting to come back. In the 6 years that I have been doing photography I have lost two of my clients. My pictures where displayed at both funerals. I have never been more grateful for what I was able to share and contribute to their lives. I hope that I can continue to do that. I hate to give that up. I know that my photography has blessed others and also myself. I just need the passion to come back. I use to photograph my kids (with my big camera) often and now it is hardly ever. I hate that. It's become a thing where I dread it and try to do once a year. That has to end. I'm missing the everyday moments that I use to enjoy capturing. I hope that I can get over the wall I ran into and get back to doing what I love. I hope that no one thinks I didn't enjoy the pictures I have taken. It was mostly the business side of it that was killing me. I no longer depend on photography for our source of income and that takes a HUGE burden off my shoulders. It takes the stress out. I took these pictures months ago but this is what I wish I would get back into doing everyday. :)
